Wrong advice?

Some young men in Kovol like to get their wife from town or other bush locations. One such guy came to us with his wife and his mother a few days ago. They came to us for advice because the wife was sick. She has had pain all over her body since she arrived in Kovol, so they said. Because of that, she can´t work. There is no fever, no sores, no other physical signs that could give us a clue about a sickness she might have. I was silently praying for wisdom. She didn’t say much, so I felt prompted by the Holy Spirit to talk to her alone and took her aside. After I asked more questions, it appeared that she was homesick. Like many other young couples, they had run off together, not telling her parents who live far away in another remote place. Now, six weeks later, she is worried about her parents as they are still looking for her. There is no way to contact them from here. I felt really compassionate and sorry for her. I did what I normally would do in a western country, I prayed with her. We normally don’t do this here, as the people don’t understand the gospel yet and probably think that it is a ritual to get what you want. But she was from a different area and has heard about different churches. Was it a good thing for me to do? I don’t know.  The girl wanted to go back to her parents, she said. She wanted me to tell her husband and his mother that they should take her back to her parents. After I talked to the new husband and his mother, they said, “One day we will go to her place, just not yet.” My advice was that they should go now, as her parents are searching for her and they are being worried. I pushed my advice a little bit, saying that they might get more “heavies” if they don’t go soon.

They left and I am not sure what they will do as their village is 3 hours hike away.

But I was curious what a Kovol person would have said to them. This is also on my list to learn in Kovol: give advice, correct, teach and use the format of hortatory speech. So a few days later I went to the village to ask a few very dear, trustworthy Kovol friends about their opinion. I told them the story without giving any names or what I had said. Then I asked them what they would advise this family to do. Here is what I got:

“You are lying. There is no pain. Go and work. And later someday you can see your family! But not now.”

That is not what I expected at all. First they knew right away her pain wasn’t real. They knew she was homesick. And I started thinking that the custom here is that once a young lady marries into a family, they do not let her go back too soon to her family, so she can adjust to bush life. I guess I have to investigate that a bit more.

I realized that I had given advice against their culture. So how would they straighten a mistake? Here was my opportunity to learn. I told my friends about my mistake: that I had unknowingly said the opposite and that I felt bad about it and wanted to straighten it out. In the end I didn’t want them to break their marriage. But the family lives 3 hours hike away; that is too far away for me, so I can’t hike to see them. Can I tell someone to carry a message over for me? And what shall I say? Here is what I got back:

“Yes you can tell someone else who is visiting from over there that you ‘just talked’ thinking maybe the doctor in town could have helped them. But you didn’t know what is the right thing and they should just do whatever they think is best. It is up to them”.

Even though that is not what I was thinking, I thanked them for the advice and left it at that.

At my house I saw some visitors from the area of this homesick lady. So I asked them to pass on a message. I just told them along the lines that I didn’t know the culture and that they should do what they think. It could be better she stays. I don’t know, I said.

But, for myself, I am torn. It doesn’t feel right not to tell her parents. And it doesn’t feel right for them to go back and she possibly leave her new husband either. At this point, I don’t know enough about this culture to be able to speak into that. There is more to learn! I wish I could share the gospel with them, but this still has to wait as I am not speaking their language clearly. One day….